Just to let everyone know, I'm seriously considering switching blogs. I know I already put everyone through this not too long ago, but since most people seemed to find me okay then, hopefully I won't lose anyone this time either. The deal is that I've been paying for both my webhosting and this blog service, but my webhost now provides an blog integrated with my website; it just doesn't make sense to pay for both anymore. (While I'm at it, I should mention that blogdrive is a free service, you just get added perks if you buy a subscription, such as the ability to ban specific IP addresses that are giving you problems, which as many of you know was abolutely essential for me last year.)

Anyway, the good news is that you will now be able to access my blog through a link on my website's main page. The sort of bad news is that in order to access the personal blog (T Leaves), you will need to register as a memeber. I know that it is a bit of a pain to have to login everytime you want to read my blog, but I really feel that I need this extra level of security for my own peace of mind and continued sanity. I'd like to invite everyone who reads T Leaves on a regular basis to register on the new site; if I don't recognize your user name, you may get an email from me asking who you are, but as long as I can determine that you are not a marauding student you are welcome to join and read my personal entries.

Well, after a wonderfully cool and breezy June, July, and August, summer has arrived just in time for September and a new school year. Good thing my AC was fixed last year, or I'd have some miserable students right about now. It's only third period, but it's already warm enough that I needed to turn the air on. (Doesn't help that I have a room full of teenages who generate plenty of their own heat just sitting still.) So, lucky me gets AC at least while I'm at work, then I get to go home to a house that is situated perfectly to catch the evening breeze, so things have cooled down enough by the time I go to sleep. Poor K, though, has no AC in his fourth floor appartment--it's going to drive him crazy for the next month and a half or so. I don't think he really believed me this summer when I was telling him the heat wouldn't get really bad until September and October. He is already thinking of going into work later and staying late so that his appartment has a chance to cool down before he goes home.

I think sometimes I settle for mediocrity. As much as I pride myself for devoting everything and then some to whatever I'm doing, I think at times it's just a façade, or at least only half true. I give one hundred percent to the things that I like, but everything else just gets done half-assed.

Even at work, I've really let things slide over the years; I think I determined a few years ago that I just wasn't willing to put the kind of time into this job that it would take to really do it well. I used the excuse of burn-out; I saw teachers around me dropping like flies, teachers who were really good at what they did, who really cared and worked to change the system, but the system was a brick wall that they broke themselves on. I don't really want to be them; I don't want to care so much when there's nothing I can do to change anything, when nothing I do can make a lasting, significant difference. Obviously, I do make a difference here and there; a few students who come through my classroom actually make meaningful gains, but that is the exception. It's not often that a teacher can make significant changes in all of their students, and even in those rare cases, I really don't believe it can be sustained--the success is limited to just one or two classes that simply had the right chemistry.

But I digress...

I may have some valid reasons for holding back at work, but I simply have no excuse with God. I've let my relationship with him slip, become mundane, treated it as a duty rather than a joy. And, you know, it has managed to affect everything else I do and care about. My relationships suffer, my work suffers, my school work suffers, and lately, even my hobbies have suffered. The things I really care about just don't seem to matter as much and my priorities have gotten all screwed up.

I guess what I'm really trying to get at is that I'm ready for a breakthrough. I'm ready to persevere through the temptations and through the frustrations and through the distractions to just get at God. I think it's time that I seek His best rather than settling for what the world tells me is good and desireable.

This weekend K and I are going to our church's family camp along with my dad, brothers and Courtney. If you are one of my praying friends, please be praying in general that we would both be drawn closer to God and specifically that I would see this breakthrough in my own life and that K would be filled with the Spirit. Thanks gals...I love you and miss you all.

Well, with the exception of one more class I have left to teach today, I made it through my first week back at work and my last week of classes at CSU East Bay. I still have one final to take next week, and then I'll be completely free from that...just the thesis left to hash out. Teaching an A period class feels a bit odd. I thought it wouldn't be a problem at all since I get to work around 6:45 all the time anyway. Boy was I wrong! I just don't have time in the morning to really get myself set for the day...get my copies done, get my agendas written on the board, etc. I guess I really need to start doing that during my prep. period, otherwise my AP students are going to get mad at me for showing up late all the time! Talk about role reversal.

I must admit, though, that I love having 6th period off again. I had 6th period prep. for my first four years of teaching and really missed it the two other years. First period prep was the worst, especially since I get to work so early anyway--it was like having over two and a half hours before I started teaching. That's just too much. Plus, it really didn't give me any breaks during the day. Now, I absolutely love my schedule, and once I get adjusted to the A period thing, it'll be great. I get an extended lunch time, since my real prep period is right before lunch, and then I have 6th off because I teach the A period class (which means that I can actually leave early and not get in trouble for it). And no, I don't feel guilty for leaving early. I mean, think about it...I get to work (right now) at 6:30 in the morning. If I leave at 2:30, I've still put in an 8 hour day. More often than not, though, I leave sometime around 4-4:30, occasionally even later, plus, I take work home with me. Anyone who gets on teachers cases about having "all those holidays" really should be shot or sentenced to spend ten months in our shoes, then see how fast they run back to their 40 hour work week with two weeks paid vacation!

Woops! Didn't mean for that to turn into a rant. Guess I've just been a bit stressed out, in spite of having long lunches (which I typically work through anyway, aside from the time I take out for email and blogging) and a "second" prep. period. (Oh, and I still teach a full load--five classes of about 30 students. The extre prep. doens't mean I'm teaching part time, it just means that I teach a class outside of the regular school day, so I finish early.) Anyway, this week has been pretty hectic with trying to finish assignments for my two summer classes while trying to teach full time. But, as I said, that's almost over now, so hopefully my stress levels will begin to come down again to their normal level.

I was walking across the East Bay campus the other day after having spent about four hours or so in the library and had the sudden realization that I'm not lonely. I know it may sound weird. Why would I be lonely, ever? I've got an awesome family, incredible friends, a decent job with interesting colleagues and, most of all, the presence of a God who loves me.

But there is just something about being single, some void that remains despite my own knowledge to the contrary. I always knew that I shouldn't ever feel lonely and had a vague idea that I was somehow rejecting God's ability to fill that space in my life. Yet, there were still those moments, especially when surrounded by so many people that I didn't know, by so many people who were more distant to me than their physical proximity suggested.

Then, the other evening, as I walked across a sparcely populated campus toward with everyone hurrying home to dinner and loved ones, just as I had always been, I suddenly realized that I didn't feel lonely anymore, that I hadn't felt that way in months. How is it that being in love completely cancels out that feeling? It never really made a difference before that I was loved, that I had people waiting for me at home who cared about me and wanted to see me; I still longed for something more. And now I have it. Without my even noticing, that feeling completely disappeared.

It just seems so strange to me. I had lived with that feeling for so long, for so long relied on God to get me through those tough times, that now it seems so odd to not struggle with it anymore. Granted, there are other struggles now, other things for which I need to trust God, but it just seems a bit surreal that something that used to give me so much grief just simply disappeared when I met K.

Well, it all starts tomorrow. A hundred and some odd teenagers will ebb and flow through my room, and thus the tide of normalcy will begin yet again. Makes it seem like I've been living the past few months in a bit of a fantasy world. It really was nice to have complete control over how I spent my time each day--I just love that about summers. In a way, though, it does feel a bit nice to be getting back into a routine; no matter what I might actually say, I really do like structure and organization. (Just don't look at my desk in a couple of months!)

Well, I still have a ton of work to do before I'm ready for tomorrow, so I'd best be going. Of course, I also still have a couple of evening classes to finish up, so as soon as I'm done here, I've got to work on stuff for those classes. I guess that means lunch break is over. :)

This week has been so incredibly busy and it's not even half way over. I've already written two term papers this week, one on Monday and one today. Tomorrow I need to go school shopping, so I'm off to Vacaville and then to class in the evening to turn in my paper. Thursday I start work again--no students but inservice stuff; hopefully I'll be able to use some of that time to start working on my syllibi. Friday after work I have a meeting with my thesis advisor. Saturday I have a GBACG picnic to go to and a meeting on Sunday after church. Ha! and I thought I was busy before.

I've actually been pleasantly surprised at how quickly some of this stuff has come together. I certainly didn't expect to be able to write those papers as fast as I did. K and I also reached a bit of a crisis point this week. We managed to talk things over last night, so i wasn't dwelling on it and letting it distract me while I worked on my paper today. (If you are one of my praying friends, just pray that he and I would start focusing and growing in our relationship with God again and that K would learn to move in the Holy Spirit.)

Yep, I'm on another thesis break...but it's going well, don't worry.

You know, I've started thinking about the whole housing market thing. My parents recently bought some property in Texas; they are planning on renting the house out for a few years until they decide to retire. Initially, I was a little upset that they were planning on moving half a continent away, but at the same time, I realized that it would be impossible for them to retire at all if they stayed in the Bay Area.

Now, K is thinking about buying an investment property. He'd either rent it out, or live in it and get a roommate for now. Then, in a year or so when we are ready to get a place together, he could sell this house and have a decent downpayment.

Anyway, all this got me thinking about my salary and the possibility of actually owning a home. You know, five years ago quite a few of my colleagues were buying homes in this area. At the time, I just didn't understand how they could do it on a teacher's income, but they all assured me that it could be done. Plus, there are special incentives to help teachers out, such as lower morgage rates or no down payment, and all that jazz. Of course, back then I could barely make ends meet with my car payment, student loans, rent, and growing credit card balances. Now, of course, it all seems like it would have been so much easier back then. My colleagues were buying houses for about 130-150K; that completely seems doable on my current income. However, those same houses are now worth 300-450K, which really is impossible on any teachers' salary.

At any rate, I've been paying a bit more attention to what people are saying about the housing market. As much as I'd like to think prices will go down in the near future, I can't imagine it happening before K decides to go ahead and buy a place. Then we're caught in the whole dilemma of needing the market to stay strong so that we can sell this place for a profit to invest in the next property, but we will want to get a decent deal on that place, which we won't be able to do if prices keep going up! How do people do this without completely going insane? I guess I've just always seen owning property as more of a long-term investment, so the idea of only keeping a place for a year or two is a little odd to me.

Of course, I don't understand all this stuff nearly as much as I ought to. I guess I should just leave it all to K and trust that he will make the right decisions for now and in the long run. As much as he seems to want my imput on this, the whole idea of owning property and renting it out is a little intimidating to me. I know that he is concerned that the market will outstrip his ability to save, but I can't help thinking that if we just waited a little while longer, with our combined incomes and a little frugal living we could manage it. I suppose his way really is better; at least this way he will be building equity, so even if he doesn't really make a profit when he sells it, he will at least have something to show for it.

Like I really needed something else to be thinking about right now! :)

Hey, I'm actually working on my thesis right now. Well, you know what I mean. I have to take breaks or I'll go crazy, but I'm really am making progress today. I've written an entire page, and it's pretty good stuff if I do say so myself!

Anyway, I've got at least a couple more hours before I'm technically supposed to leave for my class. I say technically because I'm really thinking about skipping this one. I just realized this morning that my paper for that class is due next week. I'd much rather use this evening to get started on it rather than waste the hour and half of drive time just to sit in class for two and a half hours listening to people discuss the book of Matthew. So, um, yeah. Like that's an effective use of my time. (I'm a really bad student, aren't I?) Instead, I'm going to go take over K's appartment while he is at the gym--it'll give me a quite place to work with few distractions (at least while he is gone).

Sometimes I let all sorts of stuff just kind of pile up on me, and then I'm suddenly hit with the immensity of the task ahead of me. That's where I'm at again. I still have a ton of work to do on the thesis, plus I have two papers to write for the classes I'm taking, a make up assignment for one of them and three exams to prepare for. In addition to all this, I have school to get ready for now, with at least three syllibi to write, maybe four. (Yes, they are threatening to give me four preps, which is a violation of contract. The only other option they are willing to give me is to work 80%, which I can't afford. Hopefully, this will all get worked out before school starts, because I will be so majorly pissed off...)

Anyway, so yeah. I'm overwhelmed and then last night K tells me to take home this book and just read through it, like it's nothing and I have all the time in the world. He obviously has no idea what my life is like right now. I guess because I drop everything to spend a couple nights a week and weekends with him, I must not have anything pressing or important going on. I must mask my stress really well!

One of these days my life is going to finally calm down a bit. Why can't it be today?